Near our house is a small creek. Nothing grandiose, just a simple creek. One I would never imagine sustaining fish but interestingly enough I ate my words when one of my sons took a fishing pole down to the creek one day. “Well, I had no idea” I said as he reeled in a tiny chub-fish. I stand corrected.
He and a neighborhood friend had been out there for a while and even though my son had caught one, his friend would catch one as soon as he dropped the line in the water. One after another. As if he was this fish-whisperer or something.
After some time, lots of time, my son grew inpatient in his lack of whispering ability. “C’mon”, he would say. Why won’t they bite? I’ve tried different bait, different hooks, different spots, you name it.
Nothing. Not even a nibble.
Full transparency, I’m no fisherman. Nothing opposed to it. I’ve done some deep sea fishing a few times and it was incredible but I’ve never been one to have the capacity to simply sit and wait, and wait, and wait, never knowing if the time was well spent or not. And yes, I understand how it doesn’t fit the narrative of this podcast. If there’s anything I should be great at doing is sitting mindfully and embrace the absence. Which, I am great at doing. Just not with fishing.
But seeing my son become more and more frustrated it brought something to mind. Unrequited love. A listener wrote in asking if I would do an episode on this. Rejected love…not fishing. But honestly, the similarity is rather profound.
Chad, what does fishing have to do with someone not loving you? Well, let’s take a look.
Let’s calm it down in 3…2…1.
The big heartbreaks hurt like crazy
Is there anything worse than getting your heart broken? Be it someone not committing or even showing a hint of a response, or at least the response we’re hoping for, or waiting for something to happen to only come to realize the empty wishes.
This is something that everyone in the world can relate to. No matter where you’re from or what you do for a living -- no matter how much money you make or what kind of people you’re attracted to -- we’ve all had our heart broken at some point or another.
Of course, the big heartbreaks hurt like crazy and can even be traumatizing -- getting divorced, becoming widowed, being cheated on, and so on. If that’s what you’re going through right now, I want you to know that my heart is mourning with yours. That is a really tough situation. And I’m so, so sorry you’re going through that.
But, I want to talk about a different kind of heartbreak. The kind that happens when you don’t even get a chance to fall in love in the first place. You’re crazy about this person, but they just… don’t love you back. Now what? There you are, left holding the pieces of your broken heart. How are you supposed to feel? And what do you now?
Most of us have been there. I certainly have. And I know it feels, in the moment, like you can’t get over this. And today, we’ll talk about how to do it with grace and self-compassion. Let’s begin
If you’ve recently been rejected by someone you were romantically interested in, I feel your pain.
From the “do you like me check yes, no, maybe.”, early years to the getting dumped your 1st semester of college during Thanksgiving break, little changes when it comes to putting your heart in someone else’s hands.
I get it. You might start thinking things like: why am I not good enough? Don’t I deserve to be loved? Am I really that unattractive?
I think these types of rejections are hard because it’s the kind of hurt that can’t be masked by any other emotion. Anger would be easier. It’s always easier to feel angry than heartbroken. Anger at least has a release or an action that makes you feel like you’re doing something.
But, heartache? What do you do with heartache?
And even if anger were a substitute, who would you direct your anger at in a situation like this?
Maybe you could summon up some anger for the person who rejected you. Urrghh, that stupid person! Can’t even see how great I am! How dare they reject me!
Other people start to get angry with themselves. I’m so stupid! Why do I always wear my heart on my sleeve like that? I’m done with love!
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
But let me say this -- and I don’t usually like to give you guys too much unsolicited advice, but I’ve gotta say this -- Anger isn’t really the answer when it comes to rejection. I’m gonna say that again. Anger isn’t the answer when it comes to rejection. It’s pointless and isn’t even appropriate.
The sad truth is that we can’t force anyone to love us. And we can’t really help who we fall in love with. And that hurts.
But that doesn’t mean that anyone who doesn’t like you back is a terrible person. And it also doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be loved. You absolutely, without question, deserve to be loved.
You’ve put your heart on the line. The other person couldn’t accept it. It just didn’t work out. Whatever the reason may be. And that is so, so painful… But it also can’t be changed. Phew. That’s a tough one.
I think that sometimes, the best way to approach a painful situation that can’t be changed is through what’s called radical acceptance.
Have you heard of this? I just learned about it recently.
Basically, radical acceptance is learning how to accept the reality of how things are right now. It means that you accept these things and try to deal with them in a positive way. When you fully accept things as they are, it can be the first step in moving through a difficult experience and finding more meaning.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that you’re over it. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t hurt, that you’re totally okay now.
It just means that you recognize that you can either fight the unchangeable something until you exhaust yourself, or you can try to make peace with it.
There’s the classic example of rain on a day you were planning on having a picnic. I mean, let’s be honest. That would disappoint, right? You were expecting a nice, sunny day for a picnic, and now the grass is all muddy, you can’t sit down, you’re cold.
So you can either resist it - or you can make peace with it. Radical acceptance is the difference between, “I hate the rain! What the heck! Why does it have to rain on the one day that I wanted to have a picnic? This is so stupid!!!” [short pause] and, “Well, it’s raining, and I clearly can’t have a picnic. Guess I better find something else to do.”
You know what those two situations have in common? In both, it’s raining on the day of the picnic. That part doesn’t change. But I’d bet if you have the second reaction, you could salvage the day somehow. Or at least you’d feel a little less awful.
That’s what radical acceptance is. Some things just suck, and can’t be changed. Romantic rejection, in a lot of ways, is one of those things. It’s like we said before: you can’t force someone to love you. Does it suck, Yes? Have we all been there? Yes. You are definitely not alone.
You can wish that the person would just give you a chance. Or you can wish that you could just forget about the person and move on -- like, stat. But those things just aren’t possible, at least not right now. And maybe all there is to do is to sit in the pain and discomfort of that, and try to be a little kind to yourself.
So -- together, I want to practice radical acceptance toward the last time you felt rejected by someone you were interested in.
Breathe in with me. …and let it all go.
Now, repeat these affirmations silently after me. Full transparency, some of these are hard. I’m going to be honest. But it’s okay. I’ve got your hand, we can do this. Are you ready?
I accept the reality that this person doesn’t want to be with me.
This is not what I wanted. Rejection makes me feel hurt and unlovable. I can feel these emotions in my body, and I allow them to be there without judgment. This is not what I wanted, but this is just the truth.
This is nobody’s fault. It would be easier if I could be angry at somebody, but no one is to blame. It just didn’t work out. Some things just… don’t work out.
I don’t like this situation, but I can accept it. And I know that I have the ability to survive situations that I don’t like.
Above all, I know that I am loveable. I am worthy of love. And I am loved, by many other people in my life. This rejection doesn’t change any of that.
Take the time to write these down. Keep them on your nightstand or save them on your phone. When you see that person or think of them, pull these up and read through them. Maybe memorize one that’s your favorite and really speaks to you.
My son, he still fishes. Almost every time the sun is out. The fun thing is its spread to the other kids in the neighborhood. Any given afternoon after school I can look out from my office and literally see 5 to 6 boys at the creek, waiting, hoping. Not every kid catches a fish every day. But when they do, man when they do, there is so much excitement. That feeling that something came along and brought a window of joy into your life. It can happen. It can. And it usually does.
And even when there isn’t a single fish to catch, they’ll still go down there, together. Not knowing what’s in store but knowing when the time is right, it’ll be there turn.
I’m sorry that this relationship didn’t work out for you. Don’t forget that you’re still an amazing, loveable human being.
Summary
Wuv, Twue, Wuv. No, today’s episode isn’t about one of the greatest films ever made (The Princess Bride) but something I’m certain we’ve all experienced at least once in our life. Unrequited love. That ‘I like them but they haven’t even noticed I’m in the same room’ kinda thing.
Chasing or loving someone that doesn’t share the same warm & fuzzies is hard. Brutally hard, emotionally. And while we’ve all been there before, it still feels like ‘you’re the only one’. Today, we talk about fishing (yup), our emotions and what to do when you toss the ball but it’s never caught, much less thrown back.
Grab a seat and let’s find some healing as we Calm it Down in 3…2…1.
