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Ever had someone try to help you parallel park? You know, that moment when a well-meaning person starts waving their arms, giving directions, and suddenly what was already stressful becomes ten times more complicated? Their intentions are good, but somehow their help just makes everything... harder.
Or maybe you've been on the other side - watching someone struggle with something that seems so simple to fix, fighting the urge to step in and just do it for them. We've all been there, caught between wanting to help and wondering if we should hold back.
Speaking of help that isn't always helpful, I see this play out daily with my two boys, ages 14 and 11, who are complete opposites when it comes to help. The older one is always eager to jump in and assist his younger brother, offering suggestions and solutions at every turn. The 11-year-old, though? He's fiercely independent, preferring to figure things out on his own, even if it means taking the longer, harder path.
I watch this dynamic play out almost daily. "I'm just trying to help!" my 14-year-old will say, frustration creeping into his voice as his brother rebuffs another well-meaning offer. "But I don't want your help!" the 11-year-old responds, equally frustrated at what he perceives as interference rather than assistance.
Neither of them is wrong, you see. One shows his love through helping, while the other finds growth through independence. It's a daily reminder that help, even when coming from the purest intentions, isn't one-size-fits-all. What feels like support to one person can feel like interference to another.
This got me thinking about how often we encounter this in life - when help, despite coming from a good place, isn't actually helpful. Sometimes it even leaves us feeling worse than before. Whether it's unsolicited advice, someone taking over a task we wanted to do ourselves, or support that doesn't quite match what we need - we've all been on both sides of this dynamic.
Today, let's explore why help sometimes misses the mark, how to recognize when our own helping efforts might not be serving others, and most importantly, how to create space for the kind of support that truly makes a difference.
I'm Chad Lawson, and let's Calm it Down in 3...2...1.
Most people who offer help genuinely want to make things better
Let's start by acknowledging something important: most people who offer help genuinely want to make things better. They see someone struggling or hurting, and their instinct is to jump in and fix it. That impulse comes from a beautiful place - empathy, caring, connection.
But sometimes, in our rush to help, we miss crucial signals about what the other person actually needs. Maybe they just want to be heard, not advised. Maybe they need to work through something on their own to build confidence. Maybe our help is actually undermining their independence or healing process.
Think about a time when you were learning something new - perhaps riding a bike or mastering a difficult piece of music. While guidance and support were necessary, you also needed space to wobble, fall, and figure things out for yourself. Those struggles were essential parts of your growth.
The same principle applies to emotional challenges. When someone shares their pain or problems with us, our first instinct is often to offer solutions or try to make it better. But sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is simply create a safe space for them to feel their feelings without trying to fix anything.
Let's do a brief exercise together. Close your eyes and think of a recent time when you were upset or struggling. Imagine two scenarios:
In the first, someone immediately jumps in with advice and solutions, trying to solve your problem right away.
In the second, someone simply sits with you, listens without judgment, and says "I hear you. This is really hard. I'm here."
Notice how each scenario feels in your body. Which response allows you to feel more seen, more supported, more validated in your experience?
This brings us to an important truth: sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is nothing - except be present. Not fixing, not advising, not taking over. Just being there, holding space for whatever needs to emerge.
But how do we know when to help and when to hold back? Here are some guidelines to consider:
First, ask yourself: "Who is this help really serving?" Sometimes our eagerness to help is more about managing our own discomfort with someone else's struggle than about what they truly need.
Second, when someone shares a problem, try asking "Do you want my advice, or do you just need me to listen?" This simple question can prevent so much unintended harm.
Third, notice if your help maintains the other person's autonomy and dignity, or if it creates dependency and undermines their confidence.
Fourth, pay attention to whether your help is actually being received. Are they pulling away? Seeming frustrated? These might be signs that your support isn't matching their needs.
This week, I want to challenge you to practice what I call "mindful helping." Before jumping in to help someone, pause and take three deep breaths. In that space, ask yourself:
- What is this person actually asking for?
- Am I making assumptions about what they need?
- How can I support them while honoring their autonomy?
Sometimes the most powerful help we can offer is simply saying "I believe in you. I'm here if you need me." Then stepping back and letting them find their way.
Remember my boys from earlier? Recently, I noticed my older son taking a different approach. Instead of jumping in with solutions, he's learned to ask his brother "Want any help with that?" Sometimes the answer is still no, but now there's understanding rather than frustration. He's learned that support can take many forms - sometimes it's helping, and sometimes it's simply being present while his brother figures things out on his own.
That's the kind of help that truly serves - help that sees the whole person, not just the surface need. Help that creates connection rather than dependency. Help that empowers rather than diminishes.
As we close, I want you to know that it's okay to set boundaries around help - both giving and receiving it. It's okay to say "Thank you, but this is something I need to do on my own." It's okay to ask "Would you like my help with this?" before jumping in. It's okay to pause and make sure your helping impulse is truly serving the highest good.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for living. And until next time, be kind to your mind, and join me again as we Calm it Down.
Summary
Ever catch yourself rushing to fix someone's problems, only to realize maybe that's not what they needed? We all want to help those we care about, but sometimes our well-meaning support misses the mark. In this episode, we explore the delicate balance between being there for others and giving them space to grow. Learn practical strategies for offering the kind of help that truly helps as we Calm it Down in 3...2...1.
